Angst … is a word not to imagine but to let it wrap you unconditionally body and soul in itself. People are in the habit of calling their heartbreak as depression and their stress as anxiety yet almost nobody wants to open their eyes to the bitter uncoated truth of angst, major depression, bipolar disorder, paranoia, schizophrenia, and even paranoid schizophrenia, PTSD, borderline disorder, and a lot more! Every morning you wear a mask and you do your best to either choose a merry one or at least an apparently normal one based on society’s expectations. However, the question has always remained: does it help you or it just fools others to consider you normal and react shockingly while seeing your meltdown? You might have heard substantially about people with mental disorders but in reality, how many of you can honestly understand the situation and try to help? On the scale of zero to ten, I don’t assume it can possibly exceed half a percent, far from satisfactory but sadly it is the case.
When you cannot even make it out of bed, cannot eat or drink anything, cannot take a shower, or even climb or go down the stairs, cannot remember the date, time, and place; or even worse, on many occasions you are looking into the mirror and to your sheer horror, yet cannot recognise yourself at all, I should stress literally at all! Notwithstanding, you are obliged to pretend to be normal, go to work, wear a smile, hide your tears, angst, anger, etc. just forasmuch as you can never ever be open about the reality of yourself among people without being labelled as: lazy, preposterous, weak, insane, liar, etc. I know, walking in our shoes is not manageable or may not be probable at all, yet please try not to label us erroneously and do a little tiny effort to read and do research about people akin to us who are killing themselves and taking piles and piles of pills to be able to live up to that ‘normality expected’ while shattering inside.
I take a trip down my memory lane reading an anonymous quote: “People who die from suicide don’t want to end their lives. They want to end their pain.” I’ve seen a considerable number of people along with myself who suffer from various kinds of mental illnesses; numerous friends of mine gave up their jobs, and so many other things in their lives due to these problems. One of them is a dermatologist and a great university professor who prefers not to work at all because she thinks with depression, she is not going to be adequate; the other one was crying like hell for the reason that she was lost in date and time and missed her class as a professor! I myself likewise was crying in between my classes like a baby who lost her mom without even knowing why!!!! And let’s not talk about self-harm that is beyond the bounds of your imagination.
People like us usually struggle to achieve capabilities as much as possible and be as multi-tasked as possible yet when others congratulate us, there is absolutely no sense of pleasure or accomplishment!! Weird? Yes, it is, true. Anhedonia is a word to express that inability to feel pleasure in commonly pleasurable situations, and this is a psychiatric condition.
There are various scientific justifications for the roots of these harrowing hells; the most critical one is our genes. These illnesses have been imprinted on our DNA by chance by our ancestors since millions of years ago or merely by our parents, in conjunction with, environmental factors.
Imagine this: you are part of a huge society, you are a teacher, a woman who has not The Passport and who has to fight for both her rights as a Woman of Colour in ELT and keep her mask in front of her students, be as patient as a prophet to teach and answer all their questions – now with this COVID-19, even from her bed early in the morning or late at night – yet get labelled as ruthless, get rejected by The Government after applying for an Interdisciplinary MA Social Justice and Equity Studies program while having received the acknowledgement and acceptance of the university of the interest as the best applicant. How does it make you feel? Let me make it easy for you: an outcast! Yes, an outcast in the middle of nowhere towards never-land! That’s how confused and devastated it makes you feel.
Look at you.
and thrown out.
Look at you.
picked and plucked
and prodded out
of your home.
Look at you.
Look at you.
Still here and hopeful
After it all.
Alexandra Elle 
 Alexandra Elle is a full-time freelance writer, published author, poet, and small business owner. Her career focuses heavily on writing and holistic healing from the inside out. Elle’s written work is an embodiment of her passion for self-love and advocacy of self-care.
A Ph.D. holder in English literature, who had studied interior architecture and design as well. A fine art photography model, poet, and writer who believes in kindness and understanding. Tries her best to be supportive of those in need and hates lies and infidelity.
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